


Cancer

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars, Music RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-17
Updated: 2011-03-17
Packaged: 2017-10-17 01:52:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/171704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared is constantly pushing Tim away…but will he be there when he needs him most??</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cancer

“Hey baby…do you think that it will be ok to seat Shannon and Tomo next to Tomo’s ex” Jared hollered loudly as he sat curled up on the bed in the bedroom of the home that we shared.

“Only if you want a drunken drawl at our reception” I replied with a smile as I walked out of the bathroom. “Now put that away…you’ve only arranged and rearranged that seating cart a hundred times today. Besides…isn’t that what we pay the wedding planner for”

“It’s only been a few times and can you blame me for wanting this to be a perfect day” Jared pouted, placing the chart on the bedside table. “As for the wedding planner…I wouldn’t trust her with this chart if my life depended on it”

“Then can you tell me why we are paying her the big bucks then?” I teased some more, sliding onto the bed next to him.

“I can’t do it all you know. I mean we have to work on the new album and….” He counted off, all words disappearing as I leaned in and kissed him good and hard. “You’re trying to distract me” I wasn’t a question and I knew it.

“Is it working?” I smiled, kissing Jared again.

“Definitely working” Jared smiled in return, wrapping his arms around my neck as the kiss intensified. “Can you believe that we are getting married in only four weeks?” Jared asked much later, contently held within in my arms after a marathon love making session.

“Seems like only yesterday you and I were butting heads and you were ready to be rid of me” I reminded with a laugh, nuzzling the sweaty fold of his neck, smiling even wider at the sigh I received in response.

“Yeah…and you’re damned lucky that I thought you were so fucking hot…or you would have been booted on your ass long ago. I still don’t know who you thought you were challenging me on everything and anything”

“It started out as just fun…trying to get a rise out of you. However…it then started to turn me on to see you so worked out that I couldn’t help myself. Shannon and Tomo kept telling me to leave you alone…but I couldn’t. I was hooked on seeing you like that…hoping and praying that one day you would snap and take on my challenges”

“Yeah…and I finally did and you ended up with a broken rib and I got a black eye” He reminded, closing his eyes at the simple kisses placed along his neck.

“But it got your attention and when I got out of the hospital our relationship changed for the better…didn’t it?” Another nuzzle, followed by another slew of kisses.

“It did…eventually” Jared sighed. “It’s so hard to believe that it’s been two years already. Where has the time gone?” He didn’t wait for a reply as he closed his eyes once again and fell into an easy slumber.

I couldn’t sleep as I continued to hold Jared, listening to the even breathing, a smile crossing my lips at the mumbled snore I heard every now and then. Like Jared, I still couldn’t believe that we had been in a relationship for two entire years, due to the way Jared had fought me tooth and nail at the beginning. I had been entranced by the singer long before I had ever joined the band, having met him on several occasions prior to subbing for the band. I had seen them perform live several times before hand, thanks in part to a mutual friend who took me along to each show. I recalled how my mouth literally fell open the minute that Jared took the stage, a whole slew of emotions surging though my body as I watched him perform. The music was ok enough, but it was the way that he sang from his heart, the way that he interacted with the crowd, but most important it was the emotion read through eyes that dazzled and shined that enraptured me. Five years later I found myself part of the band that had improved with age and so entranced with the singer that I was willing to do anything I had to in order to make Jared notice me.

Flashback…

At first I had just tried to fit in and get along with the guys that were more like a family then band mates, but Jared always seemed to hold me at arms length. Tomo and Shannon accepted me without question, but for reasons I didn’t know then, Jared never did. I played the good boy, did everything that he asked of me, but one night before a show he said something that pissed me off so severely that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut that time. He had made an inappropriate comment about my bass playing, blaming me for the way the previous show had gone. He threatened to fire me if I did it again. I was shocked at first and then angry because the reason the show had been bad the night before was because of him and not me. Jared had been sick that night and he was still sick for the next show, but I didn’t care as I took a deep breath and proceeded to give him a piece of my mind. He was shocked at first, they all were, but I didn’t care as I stormed off to pout and pull myself together before the show that night started. It began a pattern after that, Jared criticizing me for one thing or another and my giving back as good as he gave.

Then I started picking on him. Teasing and taunting him until he was so angry that I thought his head was going to explode. I could tell that Tomo and Shannon were enjoying it, but at the same time they warned me that when pushed to far, Jared came out lashing and someone was liable to get hurt. I didn’t care because I had started to develop strange feelings for the singer and I had to admit that I fucking loved it when he was all worked up and full of energy. It went on for nearly a year before it got out of control and I ended up in the emergency room with a broken rib and a fierce determination that I was going to make my move and prove to him that I wanted to be more then his fill in band mate.

I really wasn’t sure how I was going to do it, but I found that same night after my release from the hospital that I didn’t have to. Jared showed up at my hotel room later that night with a carton of ice cream and a look upon his face that I had never seen before. He said it was a peace offering as he shoved the carton towards me, sitting down on one of the chairs in the room, knees crossed, not speaking a word. “Would you like some?” I asked, walking into the tiny kitchen in search of bowls and silverware. “Fuck…” I cried out when I found some on a top shelf, my sides so painful that I could hardly move.

“Fuck…shit…sorry Tim” I heard him cry out, pushing me out of the way as he grabbed the bowls. “Shit…fuck” He cried out again at the grimace on my face. “Shit…maybe this wasn’t such a good idea” He said, placing the bowls on the table before heading for the door.

“Jared…” I called out to him, placing my hand upon his arm. “It’s ok. You don’t have to leave” I could see the relief on his face as he shot me one of those dazzling smiles of his before ushering me, very gently back into the living area before going back for the ice cream. We ate in silence for a while, but it was more then I could stand as I placed my bowl on the coffee table and then turned to face him. “So…why are you here?” I asked, already knowing why at the look of guilt I saw on his face.

“I just wanted to say how sorry I was for what I did to you and…”

“You weren’t entirely at fault” I cut him off, smiling coyly. “I had a hand in it as well” Reaching out I faintly rubbed my finger under the black circle under his eye. “So I guess that I owe you an apology as well” We both smiled, Jared ducking his head as I pulled my hand away.

“You’ve been egging me on for so long now” He looked up at me, a bit of confusion in his extremely blue eyes. “Why?”

I panicked for a second before I decided to speak some truths in hopes that it would get me closer to where I wanted to be when it came to the singer. “You’re so fucking hot when you get all worked up. I like that look on you” More confusion floated across his eyes as he stared into my own. I couldn’t help but laugh as he ducked his head again, a full blush raging across his cheeks.

“What ever the fuck” He spoke softly, still not looking at me.

“It’s true…” I replied, not knowing what those words meant and not caring as I lifted his chin up with my fingers and forced him to look at me. “You get all hot and bothered and I can hardly contain myself from throwing you on the floor and having my way with you” I felt that I had let to much truth escape, but I found I was wrong as a huge grin crossed his lips before he leaned forward and kissed me. It wasn’t a great first kiss by any means as he plastered his dry lips against my own, causing me to cry out in pain as he pushed me roughly onto my back, my ribs protesting in the worst way.

“Jesus Christ Jared…easy” I cried out, taking a few deep breaths in order to will away the pain. Without a word, I fumbled off of the couch and went in search of my pain killers. The room was once again filled with silence as I swallowed the large pill, turning around and finding Jared sneaking for the door. “Hey…you don’t have to go” I said, holding my side as I walked as quickly as I could over to him.

“I think that maybe I better” He replied as he stood nervously in front of the door.

“What if I don’t want you to leave” I teased, stepping forward until his back was flush with the door.

“I keep hurting you and…” I didn’t give him a chance to speak another word as I leaned forward and covered his lips with my own. He didn’t kiss me back at first as I pulled back and looked him square in the eyes. Pushing forward once again I kissed him, still holding my painful side, but with a smile upon my face as he finally kissed me back. We made out like that for a little while before the drugs started to kick in and I got sleepy. He must have put me to bed because when I woke up the next morning I was under the covers and he was no where to be found.

I tried talking to him the next day about what had happened, but Jared refused to discuss it. He told me that the night before had been a mistake and that we were only ever going to be band mates. I tried to argue with him, because truth be told after that first not so great kiss, I wanted so much more. He told me in no uncertain terms that there was nothing between us and that if I couldn’t deal with it then I was fired from the band. I wanted to fight him again, but by the look of determination in his eyes I knew better then to push it. Things went back to normal after that, or as normal as things could be between the two of us. We still argued and fought, but I could tell that Jared was always holding back and it only set my determination level up higher. I was determined that Jared felt at least something for me and I knew that I felt something for him and whatever that something was, I wanted it.

For the rest of the tour Jared pretty much kept his distance from me, but that last night turned into something completely opposite. The final show had been great and everyone’s energy was over flowing as afterwards we decided to hit the clubs before heading back to the bus and back home. We received the VIP treatment all the way and it was amazing. We were led to a private room in the back of the club and had access to the best drugs, drink and women that we wanted. Tomo and Shannon had moved off into the corner of the room the moment we entered, each having a pretty young woman at their beck and call. I couldn’t help but laugh because no matter how hard those women tried to get their full attention, they seemed more interested in each other. I knew it was only a matter of time before they realized it too and so I focused on my own good time instead.

A cute girl began to talk to me and after just a few drinks she asked me if I wanted to dance. I declined several times, intent on drinking a few more drinks before trying to take her back to my hotel room. She seemed more then happy to do anything I asked as she fell into my lap and began kissing my neck. I was immediately turned on as my hands roved up and down her backside, ready for more then simple foreplay. “Let’s get out of here” I growled in her ear before kissing her greedily.

“Ok…” She replied as she began nipping at my neck again, rubbing her body all over me. I really didn’t know what was happening after that as I felt her body fall away, looking up and finding a fuming Jared standing before us. “Get the fuck out of here” I heard him scream at the girl, watching in stunned confusion as she tried to stand up to him, only to rush away at the angry looks he sent her.

“Wait…don’t go” I cried out after her, jumping up off of the chair I had been sitting on. “What the fuck Jared?” I asked, my heart racing in anger and with such hope as I saw a bit of the green eyed monster in Jared’s blue eyes.

“Dance” He grunted like some sort of caveman and I actually had to fight the urge to laugh as he took my arm and dragged me to the middle of the room. “Dance…” He grunted again, wrapping his arms around my neck before literally dragging me against his body. I didn’t move a muscle as he tried to sway our two bodies to the pulsing music, trying to figure out what his game was and why I hadn’t just punched his lights out for treating me that way that he had. “Why aren’t you dancing?” He asked, stepping back with a bit of annoyance in his stance.

“Well maybe because I don’t like to be man handled like a fucking cave woman” I replied, downing the rest of the beer I held in my hand. I could see the look of amusement in his eyes and it only served to piss me off even more. “Fuck you Leto” I yelled, slamming the empty bottle on a nearby table before taking my leave for the bus. I didn’t have to turn around to know that he was behind me and for some reason that thought alone made me smile because I knew that my night of fun with Jared Leto was far from over.

The minute we entered the bus he ordered the bus driver and the few roadies to clear out, pushing me up against the kitchen sink before the door was even closed. I didn’t say a word or put up a fight as he attacked my mouth with his because I wanted what was about to happen just as badly as he did. I can still remember everything about what happened next as he practically ripped the shirt from my body, his mouth then working on my chest and nipples. I had never been so turned on in my life, my hands not idle by any means as I grabbed onto the collar of his flannel shirt and yanked as hard as I could. I couldn’t stop the laugher that erupted from me as the buttons went flying everywhere, some hitting the counter top, others hitting the floor. “That was my favorite shirt” He snarled, but I didn’t care as I grabbed onto the back of his head and kissed him hard, determined to make him forget about that god awful shirt.

I figured that I was going to be the one that was fucked that night, but I was more then a little surprised when he began to fumble with the buttons of my jeans, everything happening so fast that I felt I could hardly keep up. He fell to the floor once the buttons had been unfastened, taking them and my underwear with him. I almost came like a young kid as he inhaled my rock hard member into his mouth, taking several deep breaths in order not to lose it so soon. “Slow down Jared” I cried out, grabbing onto the counter with both hands as between his hand and his mouth he was jerking my entire body with his actions. He didn’t listen of course, increasing his suction as I gave in and prepared to blow my load.

“No way Timmy boy” He teased, looking up at me with playful eyes. “You want to fuck me?” He asked, grinding his body against my own.

“What do you think?” I answered his silly question, flipping the tables as I pinned his front to the counter instead, rubbing myself wantonly against his backside.

“Don’t even think about trying anything without a fucking condom” He growled over his shoulder as he reached into his pocket and tossed an unopened packet at me.

“Wouldn’t dream of it” I countered, picking it up from where it had landed on the floor. I was quick and nimble as I covered my dick and prepared to fuck him within an inch of his life. I didn’t ask if he wanted to be prepared because the way that Jared was acting, I could tell he was more then ready for what I was about to give him. I fucked him nice and hard that night as he moaned and screamed like a banshee with each pelvic thrust. I knew that anyone within a mile radius knew what we were doing, but I did care and in fact it only served to turn me on even more. Never in all my years had I come as hard as I filled the condom, Jared’s warm goo coating my hand as I stroked him to completion as well. “Holy fuck that was amazing” I panted afterwards, my body buzzing, but exhausted as I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned into his body.

“Yeah…amazing” He replied in a monotone, pushing my arms away before he settled himself back into his pants. He didn’t even look at me as he walked towards the back, slamming the bathroom door loudly, while I continued to stand in the kitchen area in total shock. I was more then a little angry when he finally exited the bathroom, sliding into his bunk and jerking the curtains closed. I wasn’t expected snuggles and cuddles, I thought as I made my way towards the bathroom, but I sure as hell wasn’t expecting total avoidance either. With a shrug I entered the tiny room, cleaned myself up before sliding into my own bunk. I didn’t sleep much that night, tossing and turning as I tried to figure out what the hell was going to happen from there.

I wasn’t sure where I stood with the band after that tour as we all went our separate ways once the bus hit Los Angeles. I didn’t think that I would hear from Jared again and was pretty sure that I wouldn’t be asked to tour with them again after what had happened between us, but a few months later I got a phone call and everything started all over again. They were playing a home town show and only needed me for the day, but I was ecstatic and excited to be included once again and even more excited to hear from Jared once again. That excitement died down the moment that I met them in the dressing room; Shannon and Tomo jumping up to greet me, Jared pretty much ignoring me. He didn’t say a single to word to me, addressing all of us as he told us how he wanted that gig to play out. I was so aggravated by the end of the show that I didn’t even bother to hang around as the guys greeted their fans. I was halfway to my car when I heard someone calling out after me.

“You got plans for later tonight?” I heard a voice cry out as I turned to find Jared running after me.

“Oh so you do know that I am alive” I barked, turning and walking towards the car once again.

“What the fuck Tim?” I felt a hand on my arm, a rush of warm breath blasting across the back of my neck. I turned to give him a piece of my mind, only to keep silent as I came face to face with him.

We didn’t say anything for a long time, just stared into each others eyes as if daring the other to speak. His hand was still on my arm and he was so close that all I had to do was lean forward slightly and my lips would have been on his. I was tempted to kiss him, but I thought better of it as I glanced around and realized that we were in the middle of the venues private parking lot and pretty much anyone could see us. “Yeah…” I spoke, taking a step back before I lost myself. “I have plans tonight” I lied, fighting the urge to smile at the look of disappointment that crossed his face.

“Oh…” He replied, giving me a small smile before turning around.

“But I am free now” I rushed after him, giving him a playful smile.

I watched as he jerked his phone out of his pocket, hitting a button, his eyes locked on mine. “Shannon…I’m going out” He spoke into the mouth piece, giving me a wink before he started making his way towards my car. “I don’t know where…just out” He then said. “Your place” He mouthed to me, climbing into the front seat once I had unlocked the door. I listened to the two of them joke around before he ended the call, placing his phone back in his pocket.

“Why my place?” I asked, glancing at him quickly before directing my focus back to the road. He didn’t answer me, but the look in his eyes and the hand creeping up my thigh gave me the answered I already knew. “Jesus Christ…” I cried out as that hand cupped my bulge, nearly driving us into the curb. “Easy Jared…you trying to kill us?” I laughed, sucking in my breath when he leaned in closer and began to nuzzle and nibble my ear.

“I can’t wait to get you naked and do all sorts of wicked things to you” He whispered against my ear, his hand still on my crouch. I could feel him smile against that same ear at the shiver of pleasure that ran down my spine.

“Bastard” I murmured, closing my eyes briefly, jerking them back open as I nearly hit the curb once again. “Keep your fucking hands to yourself until we get to my place” I shoved his hands away, trying like hell to curb the urge to pull over and have my way with him. We barely made it to the couch the moment we entered my apartment, before Jared had me nude and panting like a bitch in heat. There was no doubt that he was in full charge as he tortured and teased my body until I just couldn’t take anymore.

I was half way passed out afterwards, watching through half open eyes as Jared puttered around my tiny living room. “Who is this?” He asked, holding up a picture of me and a woman from my past.

“My Ex” I replied, closing my eyes in hopes that Jared would grow bored. “Come over here” I held by hand out, sighing inwardly when he ignored my request and continued to hold the frame in his hand.

“What happened?” He asked, looking as if he was really studying what he was seeing before him.

“Life…distance…this band” I replied, because it was the truth. The problem was that I hadn’t realized how much those last words disturbed Jared until I opened my eyes and found him staring at me with wide owl like eyes.

“You gave her up because of the band?” He asked, still looking at me with such a strange look upon his face.

“Well not entirely for the band…but sort of” I explained, sitting up. “I mean…it was just supposed to be a short gig and then you asked me to come on for longer and…well the distance and time apart just killed us. She begged me constantly to come home…but I couldn’t. I had my contract with you and as sad as this may sound…I couldn’t leave”

“Why?” I really had his interest then as he made his way over towards the couch, sitting by my feet, picture still in his hand.

“Music is my life. It’s like I’m not happy…not really even breathing unless I am playing. I love playing with you guys and I guess that I let it take over and because of it I lost her” I sat up then, lying my head on the back of the couch as I recalled a time when things were much simpler.

“I’m really sorry Timmy” He said, sounding truly sorry.

“You have nothing to be sorry for” I let him know, shifting forward until I was leaning against him, my head lying against his shoulder. I felt him stiffen for a moment and fully expected him to pull away, instead he leaned back, my head sliding onto his lap. “It’s not your fault that I chose my music over her”

“I know how that is” He spoke so softly that I almost didn’t hear him as I had started to drift off to sleep. “It’s like it consumes you and nothing else matters” He had a far away look on his face and for the first time ever I thought I had gotten a glimpse of the real Jared Leto, but it was gone as quickly as it had been there. “Did you love her?”

“I did” I smiled, remembering how much I loved having her in my life. “We were high school sweethearts” I blushed at the look he gave me. “Hell…I thought I was going to marry that girl”

“Is that why you turned to men…to get over a broken heart?” He asked as I sat up again, becoming uncomfortable with our conversation.

“Why the hell are we having this conversation?” I questioned him, the annoyance in my voice very clear.

He seemed put off for a second before he came back at me. “I just want to know when it was that started fucking men. Is it because she broke your heart and you felt that you couldn’t be with another woman or…”

“Go home Jared” I growled over my shoulder as I got up off of the couch and walked into my bedroom. I was slammed up against the wall before I even reached the middle of the room, his body pressed firmly against mine. I made a half hearted attempt to push him away, but I really didn’t want him to go as I grabbed on tightly to his neck and crushed our mouths together. I fucked him so hard against that same wall, the two of us falling to the floor afterwards in full exhaustion. I woke up the next morning, painful and stiff and with Jared no where to be found.

I had no real plans after that last gig, so I just hung out with friends and went to a couple of shows. I was totally confused about Jared and what was going on between us at first, but then I just chocked it up to Jared needing to get off and tried to forget him. I asked a hot lady out on a date, taking her to a Kill Hannah concert, because one of my best friends played in the band and they were in town. We had a lot of fun that night hanging off to the side of the stage while the band played before heading off to the clubs afterwards. I had run into Tomo and Shannon earlier in the evening and we exchanged small talk before they took their leave. I wanted to ask where Jared was so badly, but I held tight, instead fawning all over my date, pretending that I wasn’t wishing she was Jared instead. It was very early in the morning before I took her home and she had left no doubt that I was more then welcome to stay, but I found that I just wasn’t into it. All I could think about was Jared and how fucking hot it had been those two times that we had been together.

I was tired and more then a little cranky as I made my way up the stairway of my apartment complex, finding Jared sitting at the top of the stairs. He didn’t say anything as he got up and allowed me to pass; throwing me against the wall the moment the apartment door was closed. “Did you fuck her?” He asked, a smug look upon his face as he continued to lean into me. “You don’t smell like you fucked her” Somewhat of a sneer crossing his face as he leaned in and inhaled deeply around my neck.

“Fuck you” I pushed him away, not happy in the slightest at the way he was treating me and so confused as to why I felt fucking butterflies in my stomach. He didn’t say anything of course, just followed me into the bedroom. I didn’t say anything either as I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to will away the boner that was aching for attention. I knew it was a lost cause as I took a deep breath and prepared myself for another night of mindless sex with Jared. As expected, I found him naked and stroking himself, that same smug grin on his face as before. I wanted to curse him out and make him leave, but my dick was in charge and before I knew what I was actually doing Jared and I were fucking like wild animals.

“You never did answer my question” He said two hours later, the both of us panting like mad after fucking like crazy. I didn’t say anything as I watched Jared crawl across the bed, leaning against the footboard as he looked at me. I thought that it was strange that Jared seemed to always draw away after sex, when all I wanted to do was lie close and sometimes even hold the person I had just been with.

“What question?” I asked, already knowing where he was going and not wanting to think about Jared’s issues any longer.

“What made you decide to fuck men?” He was being crude and he was trying to get a reaction, but I wasn’t in the mood for it. Instead I turned the tables around on him.

“Have you ever been in love Jared?” I asked, watching the way that his entire body went rigid, the way that his mouth formed into a small scowl as he glared daggers at me.

“Of course I’ve been in love. I’ve been in love many…many times” He replied in a very nasty tone, jumping off of the bed. “I have to go” He called out over his shoulder before taking his leave. I watched him leave, wondering what the hell his reaction had meant and then yet again I chocked it up to just being Jared once again and went to sleep. After that off and on for almost a year, Jared would pop back into my life whenever he felt like it, the deed would be done and then he would be gone. It was great at first, because lets face it Jared Leto is hot as hell and a great fuck to boot, but after a while it became harder and harder to deal with each encounter.

I refused to admit it to myself for a very long time, but eventually I had no choice but to admit that I had fallen in love with him. I tried to fight it as much as I could. I went on dates, fucked men and women on a whim and yet none of those encounters meant anything. I tried to get Jared to talk to me after sex, hell, I even begged him to stay one night and yet nothing worked. It was as if he were afraid to stay, afraid of letting me see the real him, at least that is what I hoped it was. Like I said, I played along for almost a year before I couldn’t take it any longer.

He had just shown up at my door one night, horny as hell and ready to go, but I wasn’t having it. Don’t get me wrong because we fucked like mad, but when he tried to leave afterwards, I lost it. “You fucking leave this time…don’t bother to come back” I hollered at him as he dressed and headed for the door.

“What?” He said, turning to face me with a bit of shock on his face.

“I said…if you fucking leave this time…don’t bother to come back” I repeated, meaning every word I had said.

“Fuck you Timmy” He laughed, jumping back in shock at the glass beer bottle that smashed against the wall right in front of his face. “What the fuck man?”

“I’ve tired of this shit Jared” I cried out, sitting on the side of the bed, my heart racing like a speeding freight train at what I was about to say. “I’m tired of fucking and then you racing out of here like you have the dogs of hell on your heels”

“So what?” He sounded so annoyed and it only served to piss me off even more. “It’s what we do. It’s our thing. You fuck me and then I leave…nothing more”

“Nothing more?” I repeated his words, my heart plummeting into my stomach. “Well it doesn’t feel like nothing more to me you fucking bastard”

“That’s not funny Tim” Jared said with a warning to his voice, but I ignored it as I stood up and walked over to him, still fully nude.

“I wasn’t trying to be funny” I replied quietly. “We’ve been doing this for a year Jared. Can you really tell me that it feels like nothing more to you? Don’t you have any feelings for me…because I have to tell you I sure as hell have some strong feelings for you” I couldn’t believe that I had said it, but I meant them and he needed to hear them.

“Don’t say shit like that” He ran his fingers through his hair in a very agitated way before traipsing across the room, as if trying to get away from me. “I don’t want to hear shit like that”

My heart plummeted a little more as I hung my head and left the room. I hide in the kitchen until I heard a rustle coming down the hallway and then the opening and closing of the apartment door. I almost started to cry, but I forced the tears away as I prepared for bed. I was almost asleep when I heard someone walking down the hallway. He didn’t say anything as I locked eyes with him as he stood in the doorway of my room. “You lost?” I asked quite rudely as I rolled over and proceeded to ignore him.

“What do you want from me Tim?” He asked, his voice sounding so scared and unsure as I turned back around to get a good look at him.

“I don’t know” And I didn’t, really.

“Then why say shit like that if you don’t know?” He asked, still leaning in the doorway. He looked absolutely terrified and for some reason it caused my angry heart to melt.

“Because things have to change Jared. I care for you. My feelings for you have changed since we started this and although I can’t say that its love, it’s strong enough that I need to know that you feel something for me as well before we can go on”

“What if I don’t?” He asked and it broke my heart to hear those words.

“You know the answer to that Jared” I replied sadly, once again trying to fight the tears in my eyes.

“So what…you want to be boyfriends or something?”

“What I want if for you to stop running for the door the minute that were finished having sex. What I want is for you to stop acting like I’m trying to kill you if I touch or kiss you or if I just want to be intimate with you. I want you to want to be with me Jared”

“If I didn’t want to be with you Tim I wouldn’t be here”

“Just go home Jared” I was starting to get angry and when he didn’t move from the doorway, because I knew he was still talking about sex when I was talking about something along the lines of a relationship” I hid in the bathroom for nearly thirty minutes, sitting on the toilet as I contemplated how I had let a whole year of my life just vanish and with nothing to show for it. I wondered how it was that I had allowed myself to fall in love, because I knew by then that it was love, with a man that I knew couldn’t ever love me in return.

I almost had a heart attack when I came out of the bathroom and found Jared lying in my bed, looking so lost and full of fear. I didn’t say anything as I slide into bed beside him, moving in close, but not enough to suffocate him. “I don’t know if I can give you what you want” His voice was shaky and uneven and I wondered what or who it was that had fucked him up so much that he didn’t think that he was capable of love.

“I promise that I won’t ask for more then you can give” I vowed, reaching out slowly and running my hand gently along the side of his face. He looked a bit surer then as he leaned forward and kissed me slowly. I have to say that it was one hell of an amazing kiss because despite the fact that Jared and I had kissed hundreds of times, that one was far from rushed and full of feeling. I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face once we broke away, it growing wider as he mirrored one as well. We talked for hours that night and I really got to see a side of Jared I had never seen before.

It was a rough road at the beginning, but Jared and I were finally in a relationship and it was one that was totally exclusive. I had never been happier or more in love then I was at that time. Six months later I told Jared I loved him for the very first time aloud. I didn’t expect him to say it back by any means, but when he did I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face or the tears out of my eyes.

End of Flashback…

 

“You want to meet up for lunch today?” I heard Jared ask me as he stepped out of the shower.

“Can’t…Doctor’s appointment” I spoke around the toothbrush in my mouth, shivering slightly when he wrapped his damp body around me from behind.

“Doctor’s appointment?” He questioned, looking into my eyes through the mirror.

“It’s nothing major…just an annual check up” I lied after I rinsed my mouth, turning to pull him into my arms. “But I can meet up with you later tonight for dessert” I teased playfully, swatting his ass before escaping for the door. “I love you” I yelled over my shoulder as I pulled on my shirt and head out.

“I love you too and you’re going to pay for that later” He hollered back and I couldn’t help but chuckle because even two years later I couldn’t help but get happy whenever he said those words back to me.

My smile didn’t last long as I got into my car and headed off to the Doctor’s office, because I knew that I had been lying to Jared. The fact of the matter was my appointment wasn’t for a simple yearly exam; it was for something much more serious. I had found a lump under my armpit one day while I was showering. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but when it began to get tender and grow ever larger, I started to become concerned. I had made an appt to see my Doctor and he did some blood work and took a sample, and that was what my appointment that morning was for. I was nervous as hell as I waited in the lobby of his office for my results, something telling me by the tone in his voice that something wasn’t right.

“Good morning Mr. Kelleher” He greeted me as I entered his office, my palms sweaty and shaking as we shook hands.

“Morning Dr. Graham” I replied, sitting in the chair in front of his desk as he opened a folder sitting in front of him. He didn’t say anything for several seconds, looking to be reading the paperwork before he turned his attention to me.

“I’m going to be very blunt with you Mr. Kelleher” He began, and already I knew that I was in some very serious trouble. “Its breast cancer” I heard him say, a smile crossing my face because I knew that he had to be pulling my leg.

“Breast cancer” I repeated, trying not to laugh because I knew that it had to be a joke. “Only women get breast cancer” I scoffed, starting to get angry because I didn’t think that his kinds of joking was funny.

“It’s becoming more common in men as well” He spoke up, looking me dead in the eyes.

“Breast cancer” I repeated again. “I can’t have breast cancer. I have a wedding in less then eight weeks. We have the new album to work on. Jared…” I couldn’t finish those words because just the idea of telling Jared scared me to death and yet I wasn’t sure why. “How am I going to tell Jared?” I asked the man, knowing that he had no idea who Jared was and what he meant to me.

“I am assuming that Jared is someone that is very close to you?” He asked, and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he had figured it out.

“He’s my lover” I blurted out, not caring because Jared and I had been an outed couple for over a year prior to that horrible day. “We’re getting married in eight weeks” My phone took that exact moment to ring as I ignored the looks of pity he was sending my way, my heart diving into my stomach as I looked at the caller ID and found the person I was talking about name flashing at me. “Hey baby…” I answered the phone in as much as a calm voice as I could. “Yeah…I’m still at the Doctors. No…I don’t know when I will be home. Sure…I can stop by and pick up some ice cream. I love you too. Ok…bye” Tears glistened within my eyes as I put the phone back on its holster, bringing my full attention back to the man sitting in front of me. “What are my options?”

“Our first and best option right now is surgery. We go in and remove the tumor and once that is done we will just have to wait and see what happens” He said, causing my blood to turn cold.

“And if that doesn’t work?” I asked, fearing the answer that I was going to get.

“There are also radiation and chemotherapy treatments…but I feel that we are still catching this early enough that surgery will be enough”

“When can we do this?”

“Let me speak with reception” I watched as he got up from his chair, leaving me alone in the room with my thoughts. My mind was a horrible mess as I tried to figure out how it was that had gotten breast cancer. It just didn’t seem possible since all you every heard about breast cancer was in reference to women. I came to the conclusion that someone upstairs really hated me and was having a good laugh at my expense. “We can schedule you for the day after tomorrow” I heard the Doctor speak, jerking me from my thoughts as he sat back behind his desk.

“I’m getting married in eight weeks” I swallowed hard because my mind was just such a fucked up mess that I didn’t know what to do with myself. “It will have to wait” I stood up, deciding that leaving was my best option before I lost it altogether.

“This isn’t a game we are playing here Mr. Kelleher” He spoke up, pushing himself away from his desk as he walked over towards me. “Cancer comes in stages and your cancer is a stage three of six. You need to have this surgery or it might be too late to do anything. I realized that your getting married is important…but I would think that your Jared would understand that your life is more important at this time”

I wondered for a brief second how Jared would actually feel and then pushed it aside because I already knew that answer. “Book it” I said to him, not giving him a chance to say another word as I bolted out of his office. I emptied the contents of my stomach as I stood before my car, trying to make sense of everything that I had learned and what I knew I had to do.

The first thing I did was find the closest open bar and drink myself stupid. I didn’t know how long I was there, but it had to be a long time because eventually my phone started to ring and it kept ringing until I shut it off and shoved it into my jeans pocket. It was dark out when I finally took my leave, knowing that I was too drunk to drive, but not caring as I got behind the wheel and started the car. I don’t remember anything after that, only that I woke up with all sorts of strange noises and smells around me and a worried looking Jared standing over me. “He’s awake. Tomo…Shannon…he’s awake” I found my other band mates standing above me after that as I tried like hell to figure out what had happened. “What the fuck were you thinking driving drunk? Why the fuck were you getting drunk in the first place. I called you a hundred times…why didn’t you fucking answer? What happened to you? Did something happen at the doctor’s office?” He belted out what felt like a million questions as I looked to Shannon and Tomo for help, because I still didn’t really know what the hell was going on.

“Jared…breathe” Shannon said as he walked around the bed I seemed to by lying on, pulling Jared back a little.

“Don’t tell me to fucking breathe” He pushed Shannon away, looking pissed off and hurt all rolled into one. “He fucking leaves for a doctor’s appointment this morning and now he’s here. I’m worried and I think that I have a right to be worried” He crossed his arms over his chest, staring at me as he waited for an answer. “Well…I’m waiting”

“Well I see that our patient is awake” I heard someone else say as a tall man in a white coat entered the room.

“I want to go home” I slurred my words, still feelings the effects of all the liquor I had forced into my system.

“Well first we are going to run a few tests and then you will have to speak to the police officers that are waiting to speak to you” The man didn’t give me room to argue as he began to shine bright lights into my eyes before poking and prodding me. After he was done, the police asked me several questions that I didn’t have answers to because I didn’t remember anything that happened after I left the bar. All I could remember was the doctor from that morning telling me that I had cancer and what it would mean in terms of changes to my life. I was sent home later with a pouting Jared and a ticket for driving under the influence. I still wasn’t clear on what had happened, but it seemed that after I left the bar, I got into my car, swerved out into moving traffic and slammed into a traffic light pole. Jared was super quiet the entire drive back home and I knew that before the night was over, he was going to explode and I was going to have to deal with his rath.

He didn’t disappoint as the moment that we walked into the house, he unleashed himself at me. He ranted and raved for about ten minutes before he rushed over to me and pulled me into his arms. I couldn’t do anything but stand there as I fought the urge to cry at how unfair life was. He led me to the shower afterwards, where he cleaned me up like a baby before putting me to bed. The room was deadly silent as we lie next to each other, not touching and feeling so far apart that it was nearly killing me not to touch him. “Tim…” I heard him speak softly.

“Yeah…”

“Are you going to tell me now what the doctor said?” I could hear the fear in his voice and it broke my heart because I knew that I should be telling him the truth. The problem was that as much as I wanted to share my bad news with my partner, I just wasn’t sure that he could handle it. I knew that he would get upset and scared and then I would have to deal with his antics on top of my own. I also hated the idea of burdening him with my problems because no matter how tough he seemed to be on the outside, he was quite soft of the inside.

“Nothing” I lied as I rolled onto my side, reaching out and gently forcing him to look at me as the lies continued. “Everything’s fine. I ran into an old friend in the parking lot of the hospital and we thought that we would catch up with each other at the bar”

“You’re lying” He stopped me before my tangle of lies could go any further. “I can read it in your eyes”

“Well that’s your problem them” I yelled, still feeling the effects of all the shit still in my system as I rolled over and pulled the blanket and sheets up to my neck. The room went deadly silent, the only sounds being our breathing. It was the most uncomfortable silence I had ever had to deal with in my life, it seeming to bother Jared as well as he got out of bed and locked him self in the bathroom. “I’m sorry baby” I whispered when he finally came back to bed, lying on his back, eyes locked on the ceiling. “I’m drunk and you know that when I am like this I can’t control my mouth”

He didn’t say anything else as he looked over at me, his eyes searching mine. “You’d tell me if there was something wrong wouldn’t you?” He asked, fear and upset screaming out at me.

“Of course I would” I lied, shifting closer towards him. “I love you so much Jared. You know that right?” I asked, leaning my forehead against his shoulder, eyes closed as I waited for him to respond.

“I know and I love you too” He responded, rolling over onto his side so we were face to face. “It’s why I’m so worried about you” His fingers traced the side of my face as I ignored his last comment and kissed him. He made slow and beautiful love that night and it was amazing. I savored ever minute of it, despite my drunken state because I had a feeling that it was going to be a long time before or if it ever happened again.

“I don’t want you to go” Jared whined from across the room as I continued to pack a small overnight bag.

“I know you don’t…but my family needs me Jay” I lied, having given Jared a whole story about my family having some issues and needing me there. I had called my mother earlier that day and told her everything, begging her, once she stopped crying to go along with my plan if Jared called. She agreed, but not before cursing me a blue streak for lying to the man that I loved and making her feel guilty for being a part of it. I felt horrible for putting my mother in the predicament I had, but I felt that it was my only other option.

“I could come with you” He pulled me back from my thoughts as he walked into the hallway and pulled out another overnight bag.

“No you couldn’t come with me” I reminded, taking the bag out of his hand and putting it back in the closet. “You have a commitment with the label and if you miss that there will be hell to pay”

“Like I give two shits about them” He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest in defiance. “I love you and your family and you both are more important then those fuckers at the label”

“You won’t feel that way when they dump your ass and then you have Shannon and Tomo to deal with” I laughed, but it was flat because I knew he wasn’t buying it. “I’ll miss you” I changed tactics, pinning him to the hallway wall, my hands on his hips as I leaned in and kissed him.

“You’re trying to distract me” He grinned, despite his best efforts not to as I leaned in and kissed him hard.

“Is it working” A game we played all the time.

“Yes…” He was near breathless as I did it again.

“I’ll be back day after tomorrow. You won’t even know that I’m gone” I nuzzled his neck, knowing how much he loved that.

“I always know when your gone Tim” Jared said in a small voice, looking at me with eyes full of love and what looked to be fear. It was the same look I saw constantly in his eyes when we first started seeing each other and it made my heart ache to know that he was feeling insecure again.

“I love you so much Jared Leto” I spoke the god’s honest truth, kissing him softly with each word. “It still amazes me daily that you love someone like me…much less want to marry me”

“Fucking sap” Was he grin filled reply as he wrapped his arms around my neck and held on tightly. I knew that I had accomplished my goal because when he pulled back the fear was once again gone from his baby blues. “Love you too…now get the hell out of here” He swatted me on the ass before running down the stairs. “He’ll be out in a minute” I heard him holler to the cab waiting outside in the driveway. “Call me tonight and maybe if your good we can have some hot phone sex” He teased, wrapping his arms around my neck once again, making sure to rub his lanky body against mine.

“Ok…” I lied, knowing that I wouldn’t be calling Jared that night. “Be good and stay out of trouble while I am gone” I patted him on the ass, kissing the shit out of him before he could respond.

“I am the epitome of trouble” He called out after me as I walked towards my cab.

“Don’t I know it” I laughed, blowing him a kiss after he had blown me one. I fought the urge to cry as he waved at me until I was out of sight, because I knew that I had to keep my wits about me for what was about to happen.

I was a nervous wreck as I checked myself into the hospital, pacing the length of my room for what felt like hours, but had only been minutes after I had been processed in. “Why don’t you try and relax and get some sleep” The night nurse said to me when she came in and checked on me much later that night. I wanted to snap at her and tell her to fuck off, but I held it in as the phone in my room began to ring.

“Hello…” I answered the phone quickly, knowing that it was my mother since she was the only one who knew I was even there. I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was agitated and without her even telling me I know that it was because of Jared. “How many times has he called already?” I asked, chucking under my breath at the rant I heard next.

“You have to call him Tim. He’s called here looking for you at least twenty times tonight. I told him that you were in the shower…had just stepped out to pick something up at the store for me…that one of your friends had come over and you were out for a drink. I’ve come up with so many reasons as to why you aren’t answering your phone that he doesn’t believe me anymore. Call him…please. I can’t take much more of this”

“Ok…I’m not supposed to use my cell phone in here…but I will” I spoke up before she could say anything else.

“I’m worried about you Tim. I should be there with you…not fending off your boyfriend with lies. I don’t understand why you can’t just tell him the truth”

“I just can’t” I spoke louder then I intended to, feeling horrible at the dead silence I got in reply. “I don’t want to burden him mom” I continued in a quiet tone. “He’s got so much going on right now and…”

“He’s your partner Tim…nothing else should be as important as you” She cut me off, and as much as I knew she was right, I didn’t want to debate it.

“I’ll be fine mom. I know it’s the mother thing to do…but don’t worry about me. It’s a small procedure and I’ll be good as new before you know it” I hoped that I was telling the truth, but the fact was that I didn’t know for sure. “Let me call him and let him know that I’m ok. I’ll call you tomorrow once I’ve been brought back to my room. I love you mom” I didn’t give her a chance to say anything else as I took my cell phone out of the bedside drawer and called Jared. “Hey baby…” I forced a smile into my voice when I heard the line picked up.

“Tim…where the hell have you been? I’ve been calling you all night” He sounded frantic and I felt horrible all over again. “I was worried about you. You never go anywhere without your cell phone”

“I’m ok baby” I assured, forcing another smile into my voice. “Mom told me you called but I’ve just been so busy since I got here. I miss you though and can’t wait to get back home and ravish you”

“Don’t try to distract me Timmy” He wasn’t buying it and I knew it. “You sound funny. What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

“I’m fine Jared…just tired” I lied, something that I was becoming an old pro at. “Everything here is cleared up and I’ll be home day after tomorrow”

“Ok…” But he didn’t sound convincing. “So…are you alone?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the change in his tone, knowing what he wanted, but unable to give it to him.

“Sadly no…” I lied again as I laid in the hospital bed and took in the sterile and empty room. “My friend Bram is still here…but I wanted to check in with you and let you know that I was ok. Rain check on the phone sex”

“Boy…you sure know how to take away a man's fun” I could hear the disappointment in his voice, but also the teasing as well. “Well make sure to tell your friend Bram that you’ve left you very hot and bothered lover in a bad way” He teased some more and for some reason it brought tears to my eyes.

“I’ll make sure to tell him. I love you Jared”

“Love you too baby and I’m going to hold you to that rain check” He laughed and then the line went dead.

I placed my phone back in the drawer before lying back on the bed, closing my eyes and praying to a higher power that everything turned out ok.

The next morning I was an even bigger wreck as they prepped me for surgery. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I was damned determined to survive it and get back on track with my life and back to the man that I loved. Afterwards I was sore and very groggy as I phoned my mother and let her know that I was ok, before passing out until the night nurse came back to check on me. I couldn’t wait to leave the next morning as I sat on the end of my bed waiting to be discharged. “Ok…your paper work has been cleared and I just need to know who will be picking you up”

“Picking me up for what?” I asked the nurse.

“From the hospital” She looked at me like I was the dumbest person in the world.

“I don’t have anyone picking me up. I drove myself here” I lied, getting up and heading towards the door, planning on calling a cab once I got out of there.

“I’m sorry Mr. Kelleher…but there has to be someone picking you up before I can discharge you”

“What are you going to do try and keep me here” I stepped forwards, trying to be threatening, but I could see that it wasn’t working by her angry stance.

“No…I won’t keep you here…but security might” Frustrated, I fell back onto the bed, racking my brain as to who I could call. Reaching over I picked up the phone and called someone that I knew I could trust. “Tomo…I need a favor and I don’t need you to ask a lot of questions right now” I waited for him to agree before I told him what I needed. “Please…can you just come and pick me up. I promise to tell you everything once I get out of here. Thanks man” I ended the call, gesturing to the phone as I laid back on the bed and waited for Tomo to get there. Twenty minutes later I was discharged and on my way home, explaining everything to a stunned Tomo.

“Tim…this is so fucked up. You need to tell Jared. He’s your lover. He has the right to know” He yelled at me as we sat in the driveway of the home I shared with Jared. I knew he was right but for some reason I was still petrified to tell him.

“Just promise me that you won’t say anything. I go back to see the doctor in a few days and I already know that he’s going to tell me that everything is great and it won’t matter”

“It will matter because you still lied to Jared and what’s worse you got me involved with it” Tomo was angry and I knew it, but I didn’t care because there was nothing that he could say or do that was going to make me tell Jared.

“Thanks man” I said as I got out of the car, giving him a pathetic look before closing the door. He didn’t say anything but I could tell that my secret was safe as I smiled sadly at him and entered the house. I couldn’t find Jared anywhere, so I decided to take a quick nap before he came home, because I figured he was out doing something important for the band or the wedding. I woke up hours later, feeling much better, Jared still no where to be found. “Hey baby…” I spoke hesitantly into my cell, leaving a message for him. “I’m home now and you are no where to be found. Call me” I found it quite off that Jared wasn’t home yet and that he hadn’t answered his phone. All sorts of strange thoughts began to form in my head, each one more horrible and nasty then the next one.  
I was a near mess when an hour and three phone calls later I still hadn’t heard from Jared. I just know that he had found out, cursing Tomo in my head because I was so sure that had spilled the beans on me. Jared came home two hours after that and he looked very pissed off and I just knew that my relationship and everything we had built together was about to be over. “Jared…” I spoke his name hesitantly as he stood in the hallway looking as if his head was about to explode from his body.

“You know I hate fucking liars” He said, just standing there, seeming to get more upset with every moment that passed.

“I can explain” I stood up, grimacing at the pain under my arm as I took a tenitive step towards him.

“You can explain? How the fuck can you explain why the record label is lying to me?” He asked, walking up to me, wrapping his arms around my neck. Full relief flooded me at the realization that Jared still had no idea what I had been through and that Tomo had in fact not ratted me out. “Just hold me Timmy…today has been such a shit day”

“I’m sorry babe” I soothed, feeling guilty for my trail of lies, but brushing them aside as I wrapped my arms around his back, nearly crying out in pain at the brush of clothing over my surgery spot. .

“I’m so glad that you’re back. You have no idea how much I’ve missed you” He murmured into my ear before pulling back and smiling at me. “I hate it when you’re not around”

“Well I’m back and not going anywhere else” I smiled, leaning forward and kissing him hungrily.

“Care to take this to the bedroom?” He grinned evilly once the kiss had been broken. He didn’t leave me choice to respond as he took my hand and jerked me along. “Jesus…I’ve missed you so much” He panted as he removed my shirt, kissing and nipping at my chest as he worked on my jeans.

“Missed you too” I responded, not really into the act as I held my arm as close to my body as I could in order to hide the surgery bandage under my arm. “Jared wait…” I hindered him unzipping my pants as I put my hand upon his hand and pulled it away. “Not tonight please. I’m not feeling well” And I wasn’t lying, I just didn’t know if I was ill from the after effects of the surgery or the lies weighing down heavily upon me.

“Are you ok?” He asked, full concern on his face as he sat back and looked at me good and hard.

“Just tired” I fibbed, sitting down on the bed, still holding my arm against my side. “Do you think that we can maybe order in some food and just watch some movies? I just want to spend some time with you” I felt a lump in my throat, but I forced it back down because I refused to cry in front of him, no matter how much I wanted to.

“Sure” He replied and I could see the hesitation in his voice. “Anything in particular you want?” I watched as he picked up the phone, placed our order before sitting down on the bed beside me. “You sure you’re ok?” He asked again, his eyes full of concern.

“I’m sure. So tell me what the record company had to say” I changed topics, thanking a higher power when he started ranting and raving about his day. “This is nice” I heard him say much later as we lay snuggled under the covers after eating a light meal, watching some random movie on one of the movie channels.

“Very nice” I agreed kissing the top of his head, as he laid on my chest. “You know what I was thinking about earlier?” I asked, smiling slightly as he looked up at me.

“What?”

“The way you reacted the first time that I told you that I loved you” I laughed at the look on his face, kissing him quickly before he could say anything.

“Why the hell were you thinking about that?” He asked as we broke apart, lying his head upon my chest again.

“Don’t know…it just popped into my head when I got home and you weren’t here”

“I was such an asshole” He murmured against my chest, playing with the fabric of my shirt.

“You were scared…I get it now…but I sure as hell didn’t get it back then”

 

Flashback…

“Jesus…that was amazing” I heard Jared cry out as he fell on top of me after riding my dick until we both exploded.

“So amazing” I concurred, wrapping my arms around his sweaty neck as we shared a sweet kiss. “I love you Jared” I declared shyly, expecting the sentiment returned because life with Jared had been wonderful and amazing after that night I almost kicked him out of my life for good. Instead, I watched as Jared bolted from the bed, shooting me a pissed off, somewhat petrified look before jerking his formerly discarded clothing on. “Where the hell are you going?” I cried out after his retreating figure, the only response I received was the slamming of the front door.

I didn’t hear from Jared for two days and with each hour that passed the madder and madder I got. I was near drunk and in no mood to be around anyone, much less him, when he showed up later the second night. “Can I talk to you?” He had a quiver to his voice, but I didn’t care as I bolted off of the couch I had been planted on since he had left, knocking him to the floor with the brunt of my body. “Tim…just listen” He tried to fight me off, but I was pissed and was determined to end things for good that night.

“”Fuck you…you mother fucker” I screamed in his face, effectively pinning him on his back. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep putting my heart on the line for you…only for you to kick and step on it all the time. So leave…get out and don’t fucking come back. Don’t call me anymore…don’t ask me to play for you…just leave me the fuck alone” I was about ready to punch the shit out of him for good measure, but his lack of retaliation and the tears in his eyes stopped me.

“I’m scared” I heard him say as I pulled myself off of his body and sat down beside him. “I’m fucking terrified because I’ve never been in love before” He continued, sitting up, wiping at his face. “I have no idea what it feels like or how to handle it if I did” He was being truthful and as much as I was thankful for that, it still broke my heart to hear those words. “I don’t know if I love you Tim. Honestly…I don’t know what my feelings for you are”

“I love you Jared. I’ve been in love with you for quite a long time now” I spoke, holding back the tears that wanted to pour from my eyes. “I can’t tell you if you’re in love with me and I shouldn’t have to. If you loved me…truly loved me… then you would know. For me…each time I see you I get this funny feeling in my stomach and my heart makes this funny twinge” I smiled as I remembered the first time that I felt those feelings. “I knew that it was love when I wanted to spend every moment with you and counted the minutes until you were with me again. I love you Jared” I repeated, getting up and standing before him. “But I won’t keep doing this. You either love me or you don’t. It’s that plain and it’s that simple”

“Nothing is that plain and simple” He said.

“When it comes to love it is” I replied, looking up at the ceiling as I prepared to devastate my heart for the final time. “This is over” I said calmly, despite the fact that my insides were shaking and I wanted to break down into a total mess. “Just leave me be Jared. You may not love me…but I hope that you at least care enough for me to do this” I didn’t give him a chance to utter another word as I walked into my room, locked the door and hid under the covers for two whole days.

I would have stayed there longer, but a persistent knock upon my door hindered that effort as I forced myself out of bed, ready to kill the jerk on the other side. “We have to talk” I heard Shannon saw as he breezed past me and entered my apartment, looking pissed and ready to kill me.

“I don’t think that we have anything to talk about” I replied, closing the door, only to have it pushed open by Tomo, who just shot me a strange look before walking in and sitting down on the couch beside Shannon.

“Really? You don’t think that we have anything to talk about?” Shannon exploded before I even had a chance to sit down myself. “You broke my brother’s fucking heart and you don’t think that we have anything to talk about?”

“I broke your brother’s heart?” I couldn’t believe his audacity as I fought the urge to lunge on him and beat his ass senseless. “Are you fucking kidding me Shannon? I declare my love to him and he tells me that he doesn’t know if he loves me or not and I broke his heart? You better fucking think again”

I watched as Shannon’s face went from anger to shock, but it didn’t last long as he took a deep breath and put a stone wall upon it again. “He loves you Tim” He said, and as much as I wanted to believe him, I just couldn’t find the strength or the hope too.

“If he loved me we wouldn’t be in this predicament. It’s obvious that he didn’t tell you the whole truth and you know what…it doesn’t really matter. I’ve made my decision. It’s over Shannon. Now you can come over here and kick my ass if you want…but the fact of that matter is that he broke my heart first”

“Tim…he loves you” Tomo spoke up, lying his hand on Shannon’s knee before speaking again.

“Then why isn’t he here?” I yelled, getting up and pacing the floor. I wasn’t sure how I felt about those words, but I had to do something or go crazy. “If he loves me so fucking much…then why did we have to go through all of this?” They both stared at me in silence, my need for a cigarette great the longer they did. “Just go home you two. Jesus Christ…why can’t you all just leave me alone” I screamed, pulling my hair in full frustration because I didn’t know what else to do. “I can’t take any more of this. I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone”

I watched as they both got up from the couch and made their way towards the front door of my apartment. “We have a show in two days. I know that I don’t have the right to ask you…but will you play with us” It was a show that had already been booked in advance and as much as I wanted to say no, I knew that I couldn’t.

“I’ll be there…just please keep him away from me” I replied, practically pushing them into the hallway as I closed the door behind them. I couldn’t stop crying as I leaned against the coolness of the wood, sliding to the floor where I proceeded to sob over and over again.

I was a nervous wreck as I made my way into the venue, hoping and praying that with all the bands that were playing that I wouldn’t run into Jared until we needed to take the stage. I ran into a few old friends as I was signing in for my passes, pretending that everything was wonderful, when in fact I felt as if I was in some sort of fucked up dream. I hung out with them until they were called to the stage, deciding that it was time to find my own band and deal with the events of the day. I saw Jared before he saw me and just to look upon him broke my already fucked up heart. He looked thinner and his clothes mismatched. For the first time since I had known him he looked unkempt and as he looked up and locked eyes with mine, I could see how completely unhappy and miserable he was. I thought that I would get some satisfaction from his appearance, but it only caused me to fall into an even deeper abyss of pain. “Hey Tim…” I heard Shannon call out to me, nodding in reply as I broke the lock I had shared with Jared and focused on him and Tomo instead. “Glad you could make it man” Tomo smacked me on the back, smiling up at me, but I could see that the entire situation was affecting him as well. I didn’t say a word to Jared when he walked up to the three of us, each of us falling into the role of rock star as he went over the playlists and a few things that he wanted to add as well. Afterwards I just walked away and sat in the corner of the room, ignoring everything going on around me as I tried to pull myself together for the upcoming show. “He’s right over there you know” I heard Tomo’s voice as I looked up and found him standing before me.

“Don’t start” I warned with an edge to my voice.

“I’m just saying that he’s over there and you could go talk to him”

“Talk to him about what?” I growled, trying to keep my voice down. “Oh…I know…we could talk about the fact that I feel as if I my heart has been fucking pulverized. Yah…and we could talk about the fact that I miss him so much that I can’t eat or sleep anymore. Hey…we could even talk about the fact that I have to practically force myself out of bed everyday because I don’t want to face another one without him in it”

“Don’t you think that those are more then enough reasons to talk to him then?” He asked and I could see his point, but then I remembered that Jared didn’t love me and then I had to fight the urge to punch Tomo in the face for seeming to forget that too. Instead I ignored him as we were called to the stage. I couldn’t even look at Jared as he stood beside me as he watched Shannon climb behind his kit. I ignored him again as Tomo and I entered the stage. The intro to “A beautiful lie” was played twice as we waited for Jared to enter the stage and then a third time before I finally forced myself to turn around and found him pacing back and forth, pulling in long drawn out breaths. He looked as if he were crying and as much as I wanted it to be true, at the same time I hated that he might be.

“Tim…” I heard someone call my name as I turned around and found Shannon and Tomo both staring at me. I didn’t know who called me and I didn’t care and I forced my focus on the silent crowd, who didn’t seem to know what to make of our absent singer.

Jared emerged a minute later, apologizing to the fans, stating that he had had some mic problems, but that everything was running smooth now. His voice sounded gravelly and fake, but I refused to get my hopes up once again as I concentrated on my playing. He sounded amazing as usual once he started singing, but something was off and halfway through the second verse I found out what.

“I’m sorry” He cried out, after he stopped singing, pacing the stage like a wild animal. I could feel Tomo and Shannon’s eyes on me once again, but I continued to ignore them, instead my eyes drawn to the man beside me. “This has been a really hard day for me” He began, laughing softly under his breath. “The truth be told this has been a really hard couple of days” He was running his hands through his hair so roughly that I was expecting to see a bald spot when he pulled it away. “Have any of you ever been in love?” He asked, the crowd clapping and hollering in response, my heart beating like mad in my chest at their fever and just where Jared was going with his speech. “Until recently I hadn’t ever been in love and then when it hit me I didn’t know what it was or understand how it was making me feel and so I just pushed that person away” He glanced over at me, his eyes full of tears and yet I just stood there because I didn’t know what I should do. “But I realize now that it was love…it is love and no matter how much of an asshole I was to this person…I hope that they can forgive me and take me back”

His eyes bore into me as I continued to stand there, fucking frozen in place. I could hear the whisperings and the buzzing in the audience, could still feel Shannon and Tomo’s eyes on me and yet I still couldn’t move. I wanted to run over to Jared, crush him in my arms and kiss him to death, but then at the same time I wasn’t sure if I was willing to put my love for him on the line once again. I saw such hope in Jared’s eyes, but as I continued to stand there, I saw it start to diminish. A part of me wanted to make him hurt as I had hurt, but the bigger part of me, the smarter part of me, literally dropped my bass to the floor and rushed over towards him. He was smiling the moment he saw me take that first step, but he didn’t come any closer and I knew that he was waiting for me to make the final move. I did just that as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and crushed the body I had been craving for against my own. I closed my eyes, head on automatic pilot as it guided towards his lips. He didn’t fight me in the least as I kissed him hungrily, neither of us seeming to care that we had just outed ourselves to our fans and family. I heard the gasps of shock, could see the flashing of camera flashes behind my closed eyes and yet I didn’t care. “About fucking time” I heard Shannon yell and it caused me to smile as I pulled back from the man that I loved for only a second before delving back in. We cancelled the show that night because no matter how devoted we were to our fans, it seemed that our personal life was more important at the time.

“You realize that we just outed ourselves to everyone” Jared smiled against my lips as we continued to stand on stage, holding each other, Shannon and Tomo dancing and shouting around us. “It’s going to be in all the papers and all over the internet before we even leave this stage”

“Jared…do you love me?” I asked, my forehead pressed to his, our eyes locked.

“I do Tim…I love you very much. It just took me losing you to realize it” He said, his eyes shimmering with such love that it made my heart skip several beats before I could speak again.

“Then I don’t give a shit about who knows…because I love you too” I declared. “Let’s go home”

“Just where exactly is home” He asked with a shy grin as I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and held him tight.

“My place is closer…after tonight I really don’t give a fuck” I kissed him quickly before the two of us raced from the venue.

I moved into his place the very next day.

End of Flashback…

“I still don’t know why you felt you had to lie to me about ever being in love before” I chuckled, kissing him on the forehead.

“I don’t know” He chuckled.

“Liar”

“Ok…I was embarrassed that here I was the great Jared Leto…being pared up to every hot actress in Hollywood and yet I had never fallen in love with any of them”

“The great Jared Leto…huh” I laughed, crying out in pain instantly when Jared ran his hand up my side, poking me with his finger dead onto my incision.

“What the fuck Tim?” He cried out, sitting up with a look of concern on his face. “What the fuck happened to you the underside of your arm” I was at a loss for words as I sat on the side of the bed holding onto my arm as if for dear life. I didn’t realize how one little incision could hurt so much, but fuck if it didn’t feel like someone had branded me with an iron. “I said…what the fuck happened to your arm?” He asked again, his eyes large and scared.

“Bram and I were wrestling the other night and it got a little bit out of hand”

“You mean you got into a fight with him” He challenged.

“Yes…” Spilled out of my mouth before I could stop it as the blanket of guilt that I had been hiding under got even heavier.

“About what? Jesus Tim…why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?” I could see that he was getting past upset as he jumped off of the bed and began to pace in front of me. “I should drive up to your mothers place…find that fucker and give him a taste of his own medicine”

“It’s ok. We got into a small fight and it’s over. It’s only a few stitches” I lied some more. “I’m ok…it’s just a bit sore” My lies continued to grow as I got up and took his hand, leading him back towards the bed. “I’m ok” I said again, softer as I tugged on his arm until he crawled in beside me. “It’s over. I just want to hold you and get some sleep…ok?”

I could see his reluctance, but he didn’t say anything as he laid down beside me, careful of my wound. “Are you sure you’re ok? Do you need anything?”

“This is all I need” I smiled at him before leaning over and kissing him. “I love you”

“Love you too Timmy” He responded, clouds of doubt staring back at me.

I should have told Jared that night everything that had been going on, but I didn’t. Instead, I pretended like everything was normal, making up lie after lie until I was having a hard time keeping the truth straight. A few days later I found myself back at the Doctor’s office and the news was anything but good. “We’ve still found some cancer cells in your test and I’m afraid that we are going to have to start chemotherapy treatments” I heard him say, closing my eyes as I cursed like mad under my breath. “Mr. Kelleher…the treatments are not as harsh as they used to be and most people recover quite quickly and go on with their life as normal”

“I have a wedding in a month. Jared has me running around like a chicken with my head cut off most days trying to prepare for it. How the fuck am I going to be able to fit chemotherapy into that?” I asked him, not even trying to hide my anger at how unfair my life had become.

“I take it you haven’t told him yet?” He asked, already knowing the answer without me having to say it. “May I ask why you haven’t told you lover Mr. Kelleher?”

“You’ve been my fucking Doctor for over fives years now Doc” I snided. “Why don’t you just call me Tim?” I was stalling answering his question and he knew it.

“Ok Tim…why haven’t you told your love yet?” I could hear anger in his voice as I looked up and found him staring right at me.

“I just can’t” I whispered, not knowing where the tears were coming from and hating myself for not being able to control them. “You have no idea the hell and struggle I had to go through to get his man to admit that he loved me…that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me” I wiped at my eyes, cursing under my breath again, but feeling better at the same time at being able to express some truths. “I’m so afraid that this might push him away. I couldn’t bare it if I lost him. I love him so much. He’s my everything” I was a fall down wreck as I hide my face in my hands and bawled right there in front of him.

“If Jared loves you as much as you love him…I’m sure that he would want to be here beside you”

“I can’t take that chance” I pulled myself together. “How does this work?” I asked, acting as if I didn’t just lose it right there in front of him.

“You have two options to start” He sighed, looking at me for a few moment more before sitting back behind his desk. “You can have the treatments administered by this” He pulled out some contraption on a string, lying it on the desk. “Or you can have the treatments preformed here” He went into detail about how I could wear the strange looking contraption and go on about my day, but I didn’t allow him to finish because I knew that there was no way in hell that I could ever hide it from Jared or the rest of the boys. The appointments were set after that visit and my life of hell began shortly there afterwards.

It was easy enough to find reasons to go to the hospital for my treatments; it was trying to deal with the side effects that came along with it that was harder to deal with. I not only had to deal with the exhaustion and the off and on vomiting that made me feel like death warmed over, but I also had to deal with Tomo and the lies that just kept building and building until I wasn’t sure what was the truth any longer. I felt horrible for forcing Tomo into my web of lies, but the fact of the matter was that by the time I was done with my treatments I could hardly walk, much less drive myself home. I had begged him as a friend to help me out and as much as he hated lying to Jared and his lover, he did it for me and the wonderful friendship that had developed between us since I had joined the band. I felt horrible for making him keep everything a secret from Shannon, but I knew that if Shannon knew that there was no way in hell that Jared wouldn’t find out.

He was miserable and upset and yet despite his constant urgings to tell Jared, I refused. Instead, I watched as he withdrew more and more from Jared. He hardly spoke to him and when he did it was rushed and then he would run from the room. Jared was at a loss as to what was going on with Tomo and what he had done to upset his friend and band mate. He confronted him time after time, getting the same response over and over again. I fucking hated what I was doing to the band, but I was more worried about the upcoming wedding and what it would mean if Jared found out about the cancer, but more important that lies that I had been lying upon him from the very beginning.

The week before the wedding I got an unexpected visit from Shannon and by the look on his face, I knew that Tomo had finally broken down and told him. I had had a chemo treatment that morning and was feeling particularly bad that day. All I wanted to do was lie on the couch and die because it was as far as I could make it after Tomo had dropped me off. Jared had been gone all morning running errands and as I was about to doze off until Shannon barged in. “I can’t fucking believe you” Was what I got in terms of a greeting.

“Shannon please” I begged, my stomach twisting and turning as I fought the urge to vomit.

“Don’t you fucking Shannon please me” He ignored me, pacing back and forth behind me as I sat forward and made an attempt to control my breathing in order to control the bile rising in my throat. “How could you do this? How could you make Tomo lie to Jared…to me? How could you fucking lie to Jared like this?” I didn’t get a chance to answer as I got up, nearly knocking him to the floor as I raced for the bathroom. “Holy fuck Tim” I heard him exclaim a few minutes later when he found me lying on the floor, sweaty and panting after puking my guts out. I wanted to fight him when he picked me up, cleaned me up and then carried me back out to the couch. He didn’t say anything for the longest time as he sat across the room just staring at me. “Why haven’t you told Jared?” He finally spoke, those cat like eyes locked securely on my own eyes.

“You wouldn’t understand” I was near sobbing from the burden of the lies I had been spreading and the treatments themselves.

“Try me” His voice was calm and patient, but I knew he was totally controlling himself and it was just a matter of time before he lost it.

“Everything with Jared has always been a fight and a struggle” I began, unable to control the tears blazing down my face. “The first time that we had sex he didn’t talk to me for weeks afterwards and then when he did finally come around…he only wanted it to be about sex. He freaked out when I told him that I loved him” I sobbed. “I have had to fight him kicking and screaming for everything we have now. I don’t want to fuck that up with a cancer scare”

“Do you really not trust Jared enough to be there for you through this?” Shannon asked, falling down on the couch beside me when I didn’t respond, but I could tell that he understood my fear and my dilemma. “He does love you Tim and I think that you should give him the benefit of the doubt” He spoke instead, looking at me with an uncomfortable look upon his face.

“I love Jared…but I’m scared that I could lose him if he found out about this. I know that it sounds stupid and I feel horrible for thinking it…but I can’t help in Shan. I can’t lose him…I just can’t”

“I better go” I heard him say, getting up off of the couch as he headed for the door. “I won’t tell him Tim…but I still think that you should. He deserves to know the truth…no matter what happens” I knew that he at least understood my fear as he sent me a sad smile before leaving me alone. I was grateful that neither Tomo nor Shannon was willing to spill my secret, and I just hoped and prayed that my recovery would be quick and then he and I could start our new life together, he never being the wiser.

“You don’t look so good” I heard Tomo say as a week later we sat in a room in the chapel that Jared and I were getting married in later that morning. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine” I lied, wiping at my wet brow as I sat on a chair trying not to throw up again. I felt as if I was going to die, trying to push past it because nothing was more important then joining my life with my partner. Jared had insisted that we spend the night before our wedding apart and I was thankful for his old fashioned way of thinking because since earlier that morning I had been sick as a dog. With ever breath I felt my stomach lurch. I was sweating like a pig and the room spun around from time to time. I felt completely exhausted, my entire body painful and stiff and yet I knew that I had to push past it. My hands were shaking as Tomo handed me a bottle of water, insisting that I drink it. I quickly realized what a mistake I had made as I took the first swallow, throwing it up not a few seconds later.

“Tim…shit” Tomo cried out as he lunged for me as I tried to stand up in order to clean off my shirt, catching me before I fell to the floor. “You need a doctor” He said, sitting me down on the floor, reaching into the pocket of his jacket.

“No…I’m ok” I lied again, closing my eyes as another wave of dizziness washed over me. I tried to grab his phone from him, but my reach fell short because I just couldn’t keep my arms up long enough to reach it.

“You are anything but fucking ok” He yelled, pulling his phone out of my reach as he dialed a number. “Shannon…I need you” I heard him say before I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift off for a moment.

“Call 911” I heard Shannon say, my eyes flying open as I found his and Tomo’s worried faces hovering over me.

“Over my dead body” I ground out, pushing off of the floor as I straightened myself out. “Fuck…” I cried out at the yellow stain I found on the front of my shirt. “Find something to clean this up with” I demanded as I turned to face the two of them. “Please” I lowered my voice, standing in front of the mirror hanging on the wall. “Jesus…I look like shit” I ignored both of them as I rushed into a small bathroom inside the room we were in, scrubbing at the stain with a wash cloth before splashing my face with cold water. “Where’s Jared?” I asked once I was feeling more presentable. “I said where is Jared?” I asked again when neither of them answered me.

“He’s across the hall with Brent” Shannon finally spoke up. “He wanted to come when Tomo called…but I convinced him that it was bad luck to see the groom before the wedding”

“Thanks Shannon” I smiled, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath because that simple smile seemed to take so much out of me. “Lets get this party started” I smiled again, putting my bravest face on as I took a step for the door. I knew that Shannon and Tomo wanted to stop me, but they didn’t and once again I was grateful for having such great friends in my life.

My entire body was shivering and cold as I stood before the alter, Tomo standing close to me for physical support. Closing my eyes I took in a deep breath, blowing it out when the organ began to play and the man that I was going to bond my life with began to walk down the aisle towards me. “I couldn’t help but smile as our eyes locked and I realized just how much I truly loved that man with all of my heart and soul. He took my hand the moment he reached me, those beautiful eyes looking back at me in fear as he took in my haggard appearance. “Are you ok?” He whispered his face full of concern.

“Fine” I answered him with a smile, turning my attention to the preacher when he began to speak. I felt as if the room was spinning as I fought to stand, sweat pouring down my face as Jared and I exchanged our vows and then the rings that we had purchased for each other. We sealed our union with a kiss, everything around me becoming blurry as we turned to face the church full of our family and friends. I took only a half a step before my body seemed to turn on me, my legs giving out under me before everything went to gray.

“His body is just exhausted” I woke up to a familiar voice speaking; my suspicions confirmed when I opened my eyes and found Jared and my doctor standing before my bed. “The chemo treatments wouldn’t normally affect him this way…but I know that he’s been pushing himself to prepare for your wedding and I’m sure the stress of keeping it a secret contributed as well”

“I don’t know why he felt he had to keep this from me” I heard Jared’s sad voice say and it broke my heart to know that I had ruined everything with nothing but my lies.

“I’m not sure Mr. Leto” I heard the doctor lie, my guilt factor shooting through the roof because I was making someone else cover up and lie for me. “I’m sure that he had his reasons” I watched as he patted Jared on the shoulder before taking his leave.

“Thank you doctor” Jared said before turning his attention back towards me. “So…do you have a reason?” He asked with a frown, his blue eyes shimmering with tears. I knew he knew I was awake as I opened my eyes fully, my throat aching and tight because I didn’t know what to say. “I should just fucking anul this marriage” He went on instead, crossing his arms over his chest in a stance that left no room to the imagination that he was highly pissed off. “You fucking lied to me. You misled me. You kept something so fucking important from me and I want to fucking know why” The f bomb was flying all over the place, his normally beautiful blue eyes raging with anger and as much as I hated to see it directed at me, hate.

“Hey hey…he’s awake” I heard Shannon exclaim as he and Tomo entered the room.

“I said…do you have a reason?” Jared ignored them, angry eyes still locked on mine.

“Shannon…maybe we should leave” I heard Tomo say softly, Jared flashing him one hell of an evil look before focusing back on me.

“No…maybe you should fucking stay and I should go since you all seemed to know about this and yet you kept it from me” He was yelling, the pain of our betrayal so evident in the way he sounded. “So maybe I should direct this question to the two of you since he doesn’t seem to have an answer for me”

“Calm the fuck down Jared” Shannon replied, not detoured by Jared’s anger or upset at all. “Tim had his fucking reasons and I have to say that I can’t blame him from keeping this from you. If you weren’t such an insecure bastard when it comes to love and your relationship none of this would have happened”

I wanted to kiss Shannon and punch him in the face at the same time as I watched Jared’s reaction go from anger to shock, to anger again and then to absolute devastation. “Jared…” I cried out as loud as I could as he shot me a tearful look, one that broke my already fucked up heart even more before racing out of the room. I was too exhausted to move as I turned my head away from the two men still standing in the room and cried like I had never cried before. Tomo and Shannon tried to sooth me, but I just ignored them because more then anything I just wanted to be alone to wallow in my shame and despair. They eventually left me alone as I drifted off into a haunted and miserable sleep.

I didn’t see Jared for days as I continued to recover in the hospital. I had finally accepted the fact that my marriage and my relationship with Jared was over as Shannon and Tomo drove me from the hospital after I had been discharged. I didn’t even bother to ask where Jared was or how he was doing and when they didn’t offer any information either, I knew that everything was truly over. “Will you guys drive me to a hotel after I get some of my stuff from home” I choked on those words because the place that I had thought of as home for the previous two years was no longer.

“Tim…” Tomo said my name, turning to face me, but I held my hand up in order to silence him, unable to speak from the pain lodged in my throat.

“Please…” I managed to croak, wiping a few tears that had slid down my cheeks away with my hand. He didn’t say anything, just nodded in reply before turning back towards the front. I was grateful that Tomo and Shannon were standing beside me after everything that I had done, but it killed me to know that I had more then likely ruined their relationship with Jared for good as well. Shannon continued to remain silent, but as he looked at me through the rear view mirror, his eyes said more then any verbal assault could.

My heart was pounding so fast within my chest as we pulled in front of the house. Jared’s car was in the driveway and as much as I wanted to see him once again before I left for good, I was totally dreading it as well. “Do you want us to come in with you?” Tomo asked, once again turning to face me. I wanted to tell him no, that I was man enough to face Jared alone, but I knew that I was anything but brave as I nodded yes before getting out of the car. I could hear Tomo and Shannon murmuring softly behind me as I made my way towards the front door, but I could have cared less what they had to say as I opened the door and found Jared sitting alone in the living room. He didn’t say a word as I entered the hallway, that same painful ache in my throat causing me to lose my nerve to speak. He looked like hell as he continued to glare at me, my heart dying more and more with each second that passed. Fully exhausted already, I turned away from the hateful glare as I slowly made my way up the stairs to the room that we once shared.

I heard angered words shared between the brothers and it made me feel even worse then I thought possible. “I’m so sorry Tomo” I said as he entered the room, looking scared and sad all rolled into one. “I should have never forced you into this and…”

“I made my decision and I stick by it. Neither one of us handled this very well and as much as I want to be angry at Jared for being like this…we really can’t blame him” He cut me off before I could wallow some more in my upset. “Come on…lets get you packed up” Those words alone caused me to fall into a full fledged tear fest as I sat on the foot of the bed we once shared and cried my heart out. I was exhausted, mentally and physically as I watched Tomo grab a bag from the closet and begin to fill it. I didn’t care what he put in it, knew that I should help him, but I just couldn’t seem to muster the energy to blink as I closed my eyes and fell into darkness.

When a woke up, I was surrounded by large pillows and a familiar comforter wrapped around my body. The room was dark, but I knew that I wasn’t alone as I turned my eyes toward the large window of the room and found Jared sitting there. He didn’t say a word, but again he didn’t have to as he eyes told me everything I needed to know once again. “Jared…” I whispered, not knowing what I was going to say in the least.

“Oh…so you can speak” He shot back, his words laced with an underlying anger that I knew I deserved. “I thought maybe the chemo treatments rendered you speechless”

“I just don’t know what to say” I replied truthfully, because I had so much to say to him and yet I didn’t know where to begin and if he even cared enough to listen.

“You don’t have to say anything because I am sure that you don’t have anything that I want to hear” He confirmed my fears getting up from the chair he had been sitting on and walking over towards me. “You can stay here during the rest of your chemo treatments. Unlike you when I recited my vows of in sickness and in health…I meant it” He sounded so cold and unlike the Jared who up until the day before had loved me with his whole heart. “I’ve packed up some of my shit and will be staying in the guestroom” I was at a loss of words yet again as we stared at each other in full silence.

“I love you Jared” Words that I should have kept to myself no matter how true they were, because he was hurting and he was angry and he sure as hell didn’t want or need to hear words that he didn’t believe coming from me.

“When is your next chemo appointment?” He ignored my sentiment, just as I knew he would.

“The day after we were supposed to come back from our honeymoon” I answered softly, trying not to cry, but quickly losing the battle. “I postponed it a week so we could go”

“Well call your doctor and schedule something this week. No need to put your health in jeopardy on a wasted trip” He didn’t say anything else as he left the room, while I cried myself to sleep yet again.

The next two weeks were nothing but pure hell for me. Jared rarely spoke to me and when he did he was nothing but cold. I had tried to talk to him repeatedly, but he was never willing to listen. The first week I was devastated and cried almost nightly, but the second week of being ignored and Jared only seeming to care about his own feelings, I was starting to have had enough. My treatments were coming to an end and as much as I still loved Jared and wanted him in my life, I just didn’t have the will to fight for him or our relationship any longer. He had forgiven Shannon and Tomo, but he refused to even think about forgiving me. I could hear he and Shannon going at it quite often, Shannon constantly telling him what a fool he was for pushing me away. His respond was always the same. “Shut the fuck up Shan. I forgave you for your part in it…but if you’d prefer me to hate you too that can be arranged” At first those words hurt, but after hearing them several times they stopped feeling like daggers to the heart and became more of a fire within my belly.

On what was to be my final visit he and I sat in the same silence that had been surrounding us since we had gotten up that morning. The doctor was busy reading from my chart and by the look on his face I could tell that the news wasn’t good. “I’m afraid that we will have to continue with the chemotherapy treatments longer then we expected” He began, looking between Jared and myself.

“What does that mean?” Jared cut him off before he could finish.

“It means I’m fucking dying” I snapped, not even caring what the doctor had just told me because I was just fed up with Jared and the whole fucking world.

“That is not what it means” His voice was loud, his face red as he cleared his throat and began again. “It just means that there are still some cancer cells present and we will need to fight this a little more aggressively”

“Well I’d rather be fucking dead then continue to live like this” I replied, shooting Jared an evil glare before turning my attention back to the doctor. “So how will this work” I asked, not even flinching when Jared got up and left, slamming the door loudly behind him.

“Normally we would wait six weeks between treatments…but we are starting to see that the body actually recovers more quickly then originally thought…so your treatments will start again in three weeks”

“Great…because I haven’t done enough vomiting and sleeping since this started” I grumbled.

“Tim…” He said my name, his voice softer, forcing me to look up at him at the tone chance. “I know that this is none of my business…but what is going on between you and Jared?”

I hesitated for a moment before speaking. “He won’t forgive me” I replied, getting up and leaving the room. “Hey mom” I spoke into my phone twenty minutes later as I sat in the back of a cab. I had looked around for Jared after I had left the office, but he and his car were no where to be seen. “I was wondering if you wanted some company for the next three weeks?” I was near tears again, as I slumped back in the seat. “I just need to get away. Jared won’t or can’t forgive me and I am just too fucking exhausted to even care anymore. I just want to come home for a bit and forget everything” She lectured me the rest of the ride home about how I should fight for Jared, but in the end she agreed to let me come home just as I knew she would.

“Tim don’t do this” Tomo said to me two days later as he and Shannon drove me to the airport. “Don’t run away from this…fight for him”

I couldn’t help but chuckle as I watched the scenery fly by as I gazed out the window. “He didn’t even try to stop me when I told him that I was leaving” I replied, not even bothering to look at him. “He doesn’t love me anymore or he just can’t forgive me…either way…it’s over” I didn’t even get misty eyed as I continued to stare out the window, because a part of me was just ready to call in my losses and give up.

“He loves you Tim…no matter how much of an ass he is being” Shannon spoke up.

“I don’t care…its over” I spoke a half truth, looking down at the silver band I still had on my finger. “I love you guys and I hope that we can still stay friends…but whatever Jared and I had is over. Please make sure that you give this to him” My voice waivered for a moment as I removed the band, holding it over the seat.

“Tim…you’re coming back right?” Tomo asked, his eyes wide as he took it from me. I couldn’t answer him as the tears I had been trying to keep at bay rushed forward. With a sad smile I jumped out of the car and practically ran for the terminal. I hoped that neither of them would come after me and was thankful when they didn’t. My hand felt naked and bare as I sat in first class, trying to forget about the life I was trying to leave behind, but the images of the man I loved and the emotions that surrounded them over taking me. I think that I spent more time in the bathroom trying to compose myself then I actually did in my seat. My mother was there to great me as I exited the terminal and as I breathed in the clean Arizona air, I finally felt as if I could really move on.

She left me alone for the first week, just pampering and taking care of me like a mother should, but the second week she started hounding me about Jared, just like a mother could. I tried to ignore her at first, but she was so persistent that by the end of week two I couldn’t take anymore. No matter how hard I tried to explain to her that it was over, she just refused to take no for an answer. I had already made the decision that I wasn’t going back to California and instead moved in with my friend Bram and his wife until I could get back on my feet. I had called my doctors office and had them fax all my medical records to my new doctor and prepared to start my chemo treatments once again, as well as a new life, one that was void of the man I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with.

Three days before I was to start chemo again I got an unexpected visitor. “Tim you have company” I heard Bram holler as I watched TV alone in the basement that had become my room. I was about see who it was, thinking that it was my mother coming to hound me some more, only to find Jared standing at the top of the steps and he did not look happy.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I questioned angrily, leaving him standing there as I turned and went back to the couch I had been sitting on. I was shocked as to just how truly angry I was to see him there instead of pleased and hopeful as I should have been. “I said what the fuck are you doing here?” I asked again when he walked into the room, still not uttering a word

“I can to take you home” He said, an edge to his voice that was pissing me off more and more, because I couldn’t believe his gall.

“You’ve been misinformed Jared. Arizona is my home now” I replied, shooting an annoyed look at him before focusing on the TV in front of me.

“Arizona is NOT YOUR HOME” He startled me with his loudness, stalking over and shutting the TV off, nearly knocking it off of its stand. “You have your treatments starting back up in a few days and…”

“I’ve already transferred all my records to a doctor down here” I cut him off, smiling smugly at the look of shock that plastered its way across his face.

“Your home is in California…you belong in California” He stammered for a bit.

“I have nothing left for me in California” I replied, taking a deep breath in order to control the angered tears that seemed to come out of nowhere. “The only thing that was keeping me there is no longer a part of my life”

“You have no right to be this angry at me Tim” It was my turned to be shocked at his words as I clenched my fists together and counted to ten. “I’m the one that you lied to. I’m the one that you betrayed with your lies. I’m the one that you hurt”

“And we both know that I had every reason to lie to you…every reason to fear that you couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to handle this and run away. It’s your thing…it’s what you do. So don’t you stand there and pretend that this is all my fault Jared” I yelled, jumping up off of the couch because I needed to get as far away from him as I could. “I’ve had to fight you tooth and nail for everything that pertains to our relationship. If something gets too much for you or scares you…you bolt. I know that I lied to you. I know that I hurt you and it kills me to know that I did those thing…but I did what I thought I had to do to keep you in my life. I was so afraid of losing you…but none of that matters anymore because I’ve already lost you” The anger disappeared and in its place total and utter devastation as I fell to the floor, pulling my knees into my chest and cried.

“He’s right here Tim” I heard Bram say as I looked up and found my best friend since grade school standing at the bottom of the stairs. “If you had really lost him for good…do you really think that he would be here right now” I was getting angry again in that he seemed to be defending Jared and not me. “Look…I don’t really know you” He turned to face Jared. “But I know Tim like the back of my hand…and he loves you. He loves you so much that he was willing to do anything it took to make sure that you stayed in his life. I know that he lied and he deceived you…but it was because that man loves you with every cell in his body. I’ve known Tim for years and I have never seen him as happy and in love with anyone as he is with you. I’ve met you like what…twice in the last two years…but I feel as if I know everything about you. I know you favorite foods. I know what makes you happy…what makes you sad. I know your favorite book…your favorite movie. I know you just as well as I know Tim and do you want to know why”

“Because you can read it in any magazine or just surf the net” Jared was trying to be indigent, but I could hear the quiver of uncertaintanty in his voice.

“No smartass…it’s because each E-mail…face to face conversation and even our phone conversations from Tim are all about you. “No offense Mr. Fancy Movie/Rock star…but I seriously could give two shits about your favorite things…but I care about that man over there. I love him like a brother and if you can’t see why he did what he did…then you don’t fucking deserve him and there’s the door” He pointed at the top of the steps, a very pissed off and determined look upon his face. “Now both of you need to get over this shit and talk…really talk” He was yelling as he looked from Jared to me. “Kathy and I are going to go spend some time at her mothers place in order to give you some alone time. Use it wisely” He warned, pointing at each of us. “And you fucking owe me” He turned his focus on me, causing me to smile because I knew how much he hated spending any time with his mother in law.

The room was dead silent after Bram left, Jared walking over and sitting on the couch. I wasn’t sure how much time passed, but what I did know is that with each second that did I was getting more and more agitated. “Go home Jared” I rolled my eyes, wiping my face as I got up stood before him. “What he had is over and you have no reason to be here any longer”

“So you’re just going to give up on us like that?” He asked, his face neutral, but his eyes a stormy sea of blue.

“Give up like that” I rushed out in disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me Jared? You’re the one who left. You’re the one who made it very obvious that there isn’t anything left to fight for”

“I never fucking left. I’ve been here this entire time” He shot out.

“Physically you may have never left…but emotionally you left the moment I woke up in that hospital” I reminded him, feeling so bone crushingly tired at that moment that I couldn’t even stand. “I’m so tired Jared” I sighed, not wanting to fight anymore. “I’m so fucking exhausted that I just don’t have the energy to fight for something that I know I can never have back. It’s over…as much as I don’t want to admit it…it’s over. So please…I am begging you…just go home” There were tears in my eyes once again as I fell onto the couch next to him, another bout of exhaustion and loneliness washing over me.

My heart broke all over again as I watched him get up, watched him head for the steps. Closing my eyes I allowed the tears to trickle down my face because as much as I declared that it was over, I truly didn’t want it to be over and his walking away only proved my point. “It’s not over” I heard him speak loudly my body falling backwards against the couch as his body fell on top of mine. I was too stunned to do much of anything at first as his lips descended upon mine, but eventually my body feel into action as I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could, giving into the much missed kiss.

“Jared…no” I cried out, trying to push him away when my brain began to fall into focus. “Please…if this is a good bye fuck don’t do this” I continued to push him away, but he wasn’t having any of it as he pushed me deeper into the couch, kissing me even harder. Tears bled from my eyes as I gave into what I wanted and didn’t want all rolled into one. Our clothes were gone before I even had a chance to realize it, the skin on skin contact more then I could deal with as I held onto him as if for dear life. He seemed to be just as desperate as I was and that in it self made me feel somewhat better as I finally gave in fully and allowed the love making to happen.

I hadn’t even realized I had fallen asleep until I opened my eyes and found the room in semi darkness, except for one small light next to me. I already knew that I was alone by the dead silence around me; tears misting my eyes once again in that Jared had did just as I had expected him to do, fuck me and then leave. Closing my eyes I prayed for sleep to take me again because I didn’t want to be awake any longer to deal with my heartache and pain, my eyes jerking out a moment later at what I heard next. “I don’t know what’s going to happen next Shan” I heard the obvious voice of Jared as I looked around the couch and found him sitting in the dark in an oversized chair. “I know that I shouldn’t have allowed it to happen…but fuck if I didn’t miss him so much that I couldn’t stop myself. He’s sleeping. He’s fucking exhausted…because he fell asleep before we could even finish” He laughed softly, but I could hear the sadness surrounding it. “I know I am fully to blame for that” He looked exhausted himself as he curled deeper into the chair. “We have so much to talk about…but how do I explain to him that I fucked up and would do anything in my power to make him come back home…come back to me”

“You already did” I spoke up, climbing off of the couch, dressing quickly before walking over to him. “Hi Shan” I said into the phone after taking it from Jared. “I’m fine. I miss you too…you fucker” I laughed when he cursed me a blue streak for leaving the way that I did. “I’ll be home in a few days. We have a lot to talk about…but I think that we’ll be ok” I smiled down at Jared, taking his hand into mine. “I’ll talk to you later. Tell Tomo I love him too” I smiled even wider when I heard Tomo screaming in the background to come home and that they both loved me. “Do you have a hotel room?” I asked, tugging him out of the chair and into my arms.

“I got two…just in case” He replied, ducking his head. “We only need one Jared” I lifted his chin up, kissing him softly. “Come on…let’s go” Taking his hand once again I led him out of Bram’s house. “Hey…” I tugged him back towards me when he made an attempt to let go of my hand once we reached his rental car. “I love you” I said the words that had been practically ready to spring from my lips the moment that I laid eyes on him hours earlier.

“Oh god I love you too” He cried out, wrapping his arms around my neck in such a crushing manner that it literally took my breath away. “So you’re coming back home with me?” He asked, smiling brightly when I needed an affirmative. “We have a lot to talk about…to work though” The smile disappeared, only to reappear just as quickly as it had left.

“Yes we do…but no matter what I’m never leaving your side again…e-v-e-r” I spelled the last word loud and clear for him, tears in both of our eyes because we knew that despite the crying, screaming and tears that we knew were ahead of us, we knew that we were going to get through it together.

Jared and I spent the that entire night in the hotel room talking about everything that had happened between us in the previous month as well as delving back into the underlying issues from our past. Jared admitted that when things got to be to much his first instinct was to run, but he promised that he would work on it and I could see that he meant it. I apologized over and over again about lying and deceiving him, he forgiving me time and time again, despite the fact that I still felt horrible. As expected we cried, yelled and screamed at each other for hours until we were too exhausted to do anything else but sleep. The next day we made love to each other for hours until again we were too exhausted to do anything else but sleep, Jared placing my wedding band back upon my hand once we had woken up before we made love all over again. He held my hand the entire flight back home, only letting go in order to grab our bags from the luggage area before taking it again and leading us out to the car. Shannon and Tomo came over later for dinner, they deciding to spend the night after too much food and merriment.

“You two really don’t have to come with me” I laughed as I watched Tomo, Shannon and Jared pile into Jared’s car the day I was supposed to start my treatments again.

“Get in the car you little asshole” Shannon yelled at me, flipping me the bird but with such a huge smile upon his face. I hadn’t realized until that very moment just how much Shannon and Tomo loved and cared for me and I could tell just by looking in their eyes just how happy they were to have me back.

“Ok…ok” I smiled, giving in as I got into the front seat next to Jared.

“You ready?” Jared asked me, his face full of concern.

“Yeah…I’m ready” I smiled, leaning in and kissing him softly because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this time I was going to beat my cancer.

The next six weeks were total hell for me and for Jared as well. Despite what my doctor said about the body being able to recover a lot quicker then the medical field anticipated, mine had other ideas. The nausea was worse, the vomiting nearly non stop and only two weeks into my six week program little by little I began to lose my hair. I didn’t worry much about it at first, but one morning after a particularly rough round of vomiting and cold sweats, I nearly lost my mind.

“Tim are you ok?” I heard Jared question as I sat on the floor in the bathroom almost near tears at what I held within my hands. “Timmy…” He said again, stopping short as he opened the door and found me holding a huge clump of hair in my hands. “So what…” He went on as if it were nothing, grabbing a wash cloth off of the sink. “It’s just hair and the doctor said that it was very possible that you were going to lose some”

“This isn’t just some” I sniffled as he wiped my face with the cool rag. “I have a bald spot” I was losing the battle with my tears as I reached back and rubbed the bald spot.

“Come on baby” He said so gently that I couldn’t help but do as he said. “Be right back” I didn’t say anything as he left me alone with that same clump of hair clutched within my hands. “Give me that” He took the clump, tossing it on the floor as he reached over my shoulder, plugging in an electric shaver.

“Jared…no” I felt totally exhausted; as I closed my eyes and let him do what he wanted to do. More tears bled from my eyes as he shaved every last piece of hair from my head, kissing it tenderly once he was done.

“You look so sexy baby” He smiled down at me, running his hands over my chrome dome.

“Fucking liar” I sobbed, hating that I couldn’t stop crying over something as stupid as shaved hair.

“I’m not lying Tim and besides…it will grow back. Now come on and brush your teeth and then you are going to take a nice long nap”

I didn’t argue with him as he waited for me to brush my teeth, wrapping his arm around my waist as we walked out of the bathroom together. “You should have run when you had the chance” I groaned as I crawled into bed like a child, feeling just as rotten as I curled up under the blankets pouting like one.

“Get some rest baby. When you wake up I’ll make you something to eat” He ignored my childlike antics.

“Oh goody…something else for me to throw up later” I ground out, pulling the comforter over my head before falling into a restless sleep. When I woke up several hours later, I actually felt a lot better. Something smelled wonderful as I made my way downstairs, my stomach rumbling out of hunger for a change and not from the need to vomit. I could hear voices in the kitchen, smiling because I knew Shannon and Tomo must be visiting. My mouth literally fell open and I was totally speechless as I walked into the kitchen and found a sight before me that I brought tears of happiness to my eyes.

Hey baby…you’re awake” Jared bound over to me, hugging and kissing me quickly before turning back towards what he was doing at the stove. “You feeling better?” He asked over his shoulder, Shannon and Tomo grinning at me like loons as I opened and closed my mouth several times before finding the will to speak.

“You all look ridicules’” I smiled, my heart filled with such love and happiness as three pairs of eyes mock glared at me. “I can’t believe you did this” I couldn’t help but laugh as I rubbed my hands over the matching bald heads of Shannon and Tomo. “God…I love you so much “I scooped Jared up in my arms, kissing the shit out of him before placing him winded on the ground. “I fucking love all of you” I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face in that my friends, my family in order to make my ordeal a little bit easier had shaven all of their hair off as well.

I survived the rest of the chemo treatments with the help of the three men that meant the most to me. It was rough on all of us, but at my final doctor visit I found that it had been worth every agonizing minute.

“You ok?” I asked Jared as he sat beside me, holding my hand so tightly that it was starting to go to sleep on me.

“I should be asking you that” He replied nervously, his knee bouncing up and down so hard that it was shaking both of our chairs.

“I’m fine Baby” I assured, but I felt anything but fine as the doctor entered the office and sat down behind his desk.

“Well I am glad to see you two have worked though your differences” He began, a smile upon his face as he looked at our intertwined hands. “I have to admit that I was a bit shocked when I got the request to transfer your medical records to another hospital”

“Doctor…no offense…but can we save the chit chat for later. Tim is back where he belongs and we are dying to fucking know the results” I couldn’t help but laugh at Jared because he was just being Jared.

“Right…my apologies” He grinned, opening the folder on his desk. “It’s good news. The cancer seems to have fully gone into remission. I can happily say that you no have a clean bill of health Tim”

I was in utter shock as Jared jerked me out of my chair, crushing me in a bear hug before kissing the shit out of me. “You did it baby. You beat it…just like I know that you would” I was still speechless as Jared walked behind the doctor’s desk, doing the same as he had with me to him, minus the kissing of course. “Thank you doctor…thank you” He hugged him again before rushing over and scooping me into his arms once again. “Come on…let’s go tell the boys” He whooped grabbing my hand and dragging me into the lobby where Shannon and Tomo were waiting for us. “It gone…it’s fucking gone” He yelled loud enough that the entire lobby turned their eyes on us, but I didn’t care because I was just so ecstatic to finally be cancer free. Tomo and Shannon were on their feet hooting and hollering like crazy as they hugged and kissed Jared and I over and over again. “Come on…let’s go fucking celebrate”

Our celebration turned out to be a very happy lunch at one of our favorite restaurants before we went home. I was still very tired after all that I had been through and the doctor had warned me before we left not to overdue it too much until my body fully recovered. The rest of the afternoon was spent hanging out with everyone at home. I couldn’t ever remember feeling so happy and content then I did at that very moment. With my head in Jared’s lap as we lounged on the couch, we watched as Tomo and Shannon played computer games, roughing each other up in between rounds. I had been through hell and back and despite everything I had lived to see another day with the man that I loved and the family who loved me more then I ever thought possible.

The End…


End file.
